FAB News Network!

[JohnFKennedy]

Apparantly I'm not a 'happy drunk'

NO! You're a very naughty boy! lol.

[JohnFKennedy]

OTHER NEWS![/color][/size]

FIRST HOMOSEXUAL MARRIAGE CONDUCTED IN MASSACHUSETTS

Bob Stevens: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have some breaking news from Massachusetts where the first homosexual marriage has been conducted. The couple, were none other than Brambila and Shapeshifter whose absence has been duly noted.

As you can see from the picture now on your screen, we caught up with the two on the following day. Now we will play for you, Chuck Finnigan's interview with the two.

(cuts to Chuck Finnigan)

Chuck: Well I am just now catching up with Senator Shapeshifter and his husband Brambila. Hello Gentlemen

Brambila & Shapeshifter: Well hello Chuck!

Chuck: How does it feel to have made the news for the right reasons?

Shapeshifter: Great Chuck!

Chuck: So, when did you decide to get married?

Brambila: We didn't, I was drunk and Shapeshifter took advantage of me!

Shapeshifter: THAT'S A LIE! I sobered you up for our wedding night!

Brambila: You didn't let me finish, I WAS drunk, but when I sobered up, I realised I had found the right guy for me, me and Shapeshifter are going to move to Holland after his Senatorial term is up, we intend to join the gay porn industry.

Shapeshifter: Yes, we do.

Chuck: Well, thank you for the interview gentlemen, I look forward to seeing your work! No.. I mean, I look forward to seeing the back of you! NO! Argh, Get away from me you poofs!

(cut to studio)

Bob Stevens: We will cut it off there, it gets pretty bad. Ladies and Gentlemen, goodnight.

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[JohnFKennedy]

OTHER NEWS![/color][/size]

BOSS TWEED ELECTION SHOCKER!

Bob Stevens: After a recent investigation into the District One Senatorial Elections, the detectives were shocked to find that Boss Tweed had, for the first time, NOT rigged an election!

I'm now joined by top political commentator htmldon

So, don, how shocked were you to hear this announcement?

htmldon: Incredibly shocked, I was watching Fox and -

Bob Stevens: You were watching Fox??? Why not FAB?

htmldon: Well, I don't get FAB but any-

Bob Stevens: You DON'T get FAB? What sort of political commentator are you? What do you know about politics?

htmldon: Well, I do have a degree in -

Bob Stevens: Whatever, I don't really care. Goodbye Don

(motions to security guards who remove htmldon)

Well anyway, we do have a back-up commentator, here is Gore For President.

Hello Mr Gore

Gore For President: Hi Bob, I must say I love your show!

Bob Stevens: Ah! A REAL political commentator!

Gore For President: Yes, well anyway, I was shocked by this, Boss Tweed NOT rig an election? Why, it's like a Reaganfan victory, that rarest of events.

Bob Stevens: Good analogy Gore, we are going to have to go now.

Ladies and Gentlemen, goodnight.

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[JohnFKennedy]

OTHER NEWS![/color][/size]

EXECUTIONER SHOCKER!!

Bob Stevens: Peter Bell, also known as Gore for President, former Chief Executioner during the civil war today showed a different side to him, the photo shown on your screens now is a photo of him preparing to execute Senator Shapeshifter following his resignation from the Senate and crapping on his seat. But now, Peter has shown a truly different side to him, we caught up with him earlier to show him a picture.

Now, over to Chuck Finnigan, who has not yet been fired.

(cut to Chuck)

Chuck: Thank you Bob, I am at this minute chasing after Peter to show him the picture. PETER! PETER!

Peter Bell: Yeah what?

Chuck: Peter, do you recognise this photo?

(Chuck raises photo)


Peter Bell: Holy Sh*t! Where'd you get that ya lil b*stard!

Come here!!!

(Peter Bell chases Chuck up street)

Chuck: As you can see Bob, I am a little tied up right now (pants) Back to you!

(cuts to studio)

Bob Stevens: Thank you Chuck, ladies and gentlemen, goodnight.

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[JohnFKennedy]

[size=10]BREAKING NEWS![/color][/size]

GUSTAF PROTEST SHOCKER!

Bob Stevens: Ladies and Gentlemen, in this FAB News Exclusive, we bring you this photo shown on your screen now, of UAC Presidential candidate Gustaf Lundgren protesting!

With us is a top translator from the University of......where is it again?

Mr. Campbell: Cah-Nah-Duh

Bob Stevens: ah crap! Well ok, a translator is better than no translator, Mr Campbell, what does the sign say?

Mr. Campbell: It say th-at Dow-en Wi-the Dee-Moe-Crass-ee.

Bob Stevens: I see, so, there you have it ladies and gentlemen, Presidential Candidate Gustaf protests against democracy, lets see what Chuck Finnigan has to say.

(camera cuts to Chuck running)

Chuck: (pant) Hey (pant) Bob, as you can (pant) see, I am still running from (pant) Peter (pant) Bell. He (pant) has his (pant) axe now (pant) though. Gustaf (pant) protesting (pant) against (pant) Democracy (pant) what a shocker, (pant) any of the (pant) other news (pant) networks (pant) reported it (pant) yet?

(cut to studio)

Bob Stevens: No Chuck, we're the first, remember, you heard it here, at FAB News, ladies and gentlemen, goodnight.

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[JohnFKennedy]

[size=10]BREAKING NEWS![/color][/size]

VP AL GAMBLES WHITE HOUSE

Bob Stevens: Ladies and Gentlemen, in a shocking event, we have word that Vice-Presidential Al, a long-time gambler today gambled the White House and LOST!



That's right ladies and gentlemen! Al gambled the beloved residency of the President to a known gangster, pictured on your screen now.

We can now go live to the man who won the White House.

(cut to gambler)

Gambler: Yeah that's right, Al owed me big, up there around 500 G's so I said you got any property and he says the White House and shows me the deeds so I says you got it Al, lets play, and we did, and I won, so I want all you fancy pantsy government people outta my house now! Looks like I'll be the one using that golf course now, not gustaf like that Kennedy guy said!

(cut to studio)

Bob Stevens: This IS a terrible turn of events and may put a serious dent in Nym90's re-election campaign, should Al resign? this newsreader thinks so. But then, this newsreader still thinks Al Gore won in 2000. Ladies and Gentlemen, goodnight.

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[JohnFKennedy]

[size=10]BREAKING NEWS![/color][/size]

NYM90 INVOLVED IN GANGLAND SHOOTING!

Bob Stevens: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a breaking news report from the city slums of D.C. where President Nym90 just shot a man in broad daylight. Nym it was reported was angered by having to move out of the White House after his Vice President Al lost it in a game of poker and when he tried to use his gangland to connections to help get it back, he was shunned. To show his power, he drew a gun and fired a direct shot straight into the gang leader's head.

The new leader of the gang has offered $50G's to the person who can bring him Nym90's head on a plate so this reporter is out of here. $50 G's is more than he makes in a year. Later dudes.

(Bob Stevens loads a shotgun and goes Nym hunting)

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[JohnFKennedy]

OTHER NEWS![/color][/size]

SECRETARY OF LABOR FRITZ CAUGHT TORCHING CONVENTION!

Chuck Finnigan: Chuck Finnigan here, filling in for Bob Stevens who went nym hunting. I finally made it away from Peter Bell, although I did lose a large amount of body hair and weight doing so.

We have received news from Minneapolis where, Secretary of Labor Fritz, seen above with a flamethrower burnt down the convention centre following the UAC Convention crying "MUST GET CLEAN! MUST GET CLEAN! ERADICATE CENTRIST B*STARDS!"

Here is the convention centre before Fritz got to it:



and now after:



As you can see he also moved it several miles to the forest and shrunk it too.

Following this atrocity, Fritz proceeded to dress up as his idol, Fritz the Cat, pictured below and stage a protest in favour of cartoon pornography. During this protest he abducted the now rehabilitated Governor ILikeVerin and performed humiliating anatomical tests on him.



Police feared to approach the nine-lived Fritz as they only had 6 bullets between them and feared that he would get bigger and stronger with every shot.

Those morons were subsequently sacked

I personally salute the efforts of Fritz to get rid of those bloody centrist b*stards! Good on ya man!

Goodnight.

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[JohnFKennedy]

OTHER NEWS![/color][/size]

FORD IMPRISONED!

Chuck Finnigan: Ladies and Gentlemen, Lt. Governor of the Pacific Region John D. Ford was today jailed while trying to shoot the President with a shotgun. Apparently Ford owed a considerable amount of money to a loanshark and thought he would collect on the $50,000 reward for shooting Nym90.

In fact, we can now reveal, that John D. Ford, is in fact, our own Bob Stevens, former news reader.

Apparently Bob, or John as we now know him to be, wearing a latex mask posed as a tv news presenter to make some extra cash to pay off the loansharks, unfortunately the pay here is awful so it didn't work too well. So, when the opportunity to make 50,000 big ones arose, Ford seized it.



Here is a picture of Ford, his face blacked out, lying in wait for Nym90, fortunately the FBI got there first.

YOU'RE GOING AWAY FOR A LONG TIME FORD! A LONG TIME!!!

This has been a FAB news update, Remember, if it's not FAIR and BALANCED, it isn't FAB.

Thank you

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[JohnFKennedy]

JFK sounds like drudge, good stuff JFK, i laughed

.

[JohnFKennedy]

Chuck Finnigan: Apparently Ford owed a considerable amount of money to a loanshark ...

I thought these were supposed to be fictional stories.

Heehee.

[JohnFKennedy]

This is unique and hilarious. Well done, poking fun of me is always funny to me.

Siege

I had a feeling you wouldn't mind .

[JohnFKennedy]

Heh, in case anyone's interested at all, the sign said nothing about democracy whatsoever...

lol, obviously, what does it say then?

[JohnFKennedy]

[size=20]BREAKING NEWS![/size][/color]

We're Back!

[/size]


Jack Hardy: Ladies and Gentlemen, we are BACK!

After a few recent "problems" we are now back on air and ready to uncover the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Now, why were we gone you ask? Well, We had a little lawsuit filed against us by Vice-President Al, he sued us for libel over our stories on his gambling problems.

Fortunately, the case was acquitted on the slight technicality that every story we run is true.

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[JohnFKennedy]

[size=20]BREAKING NEWS![/size][/color]

Senator Sued for Sham Slogan

[/size]

Jack Hardy: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have just received word that the Democrat-turned-United-Lefty Senator Michael Z is being sued by a young girl of 14 over one of the campaign planks he ran on back in April

(play recording of Michael Z saying)

And what's more, if I get elected I will ensure that all citizens can have a taste of these famous Maryland cookies.

The little girl in question, who we cannot name although handwriting experts believe it to be Mid Western Governor ILikeVerin was devastated. She waited till the end of May, but the cookies never arrived.

Her parents, outraged that a politician could lie to get elected, brought court action against Michael Z immediately.

The Senator, already believed to be in dire financial straits after he threw all his money into his campaign, will be hard-hit by this case.

Ladies and Gentlemen, goodnight.

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report